I have a very big collection of jokes, so i thought i would share them.
Some of them (most in fact) are very un-PC ;D don't blame me, blame they person who wrote it :P
Here's the first one;
"This one is abosulely brilliant - it gets my vote."
Dear Mr. Cameron,
Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the
money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the
following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
and there's your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme
that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to
reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them
down.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard.
Grumpies of the World Unite
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing
home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and
walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying
it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed
and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual
counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with
gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards
would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and
pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
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COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the
mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in
Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in
the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our
country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
---------------------------------------------------------------
THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a
Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours?
It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
centuries and we're not using it anymore.
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of
offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us
grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8) :D
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Five Pac Mans of LOL from me !
Quote
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians..... It creates a hostile work environment.
I found another one, i had to print it out & scan it again, 'cos i'm stupid :)
If you think this is in any way racist, remember it was written by a coloured person...... ::)
(http://www.thelivingmoon.com/inventors_group/images/ODD/black1s.JPG)
Wait for it.................................
(http://www.thelivingmoon.com/inventors_group/images/ODD/black2s.JPG)
All very entertaining, but love the 10 commandments also.
The money scheme would work but that would make too much sense.
Quote from: micjer on April 10, 2013, 09:48:37 PM
The money scheme would work but that would make too much sense.
It would work in the USA too... all they have to do is find the 9 TRILLION the Federal Reserve can't acount for in 2009 :P
QuoteIt would work in the USA too... all they have to do is find the 9 TRILLION the Federal Reserve can't acount for in 2009
I imagine half of it is in space & the other half was 'lost' during a test flight, as i recall ::)
Quote from: PLAYSWITHMACHINES on April 11, 2013, 11:36:38 AM
the other half was 'lost' during a test flight, as i recall ::)
You want a real funny joke?
http://www.thelivingmoon.com/forum/index.php?topic=4219.msg56125;topicseen#new
;D
::)
I think we are on the same joke mailing list. Do you have the last one about the Japanese doctor and what to eat?...Deuem
I love this thread - Thank You ;D
Sorry i don't have that Japanese one, i have some 'confucius' ones but they are way too rude to print here :o
I found this one, pretty funny....
Quote
The DARWIN Awards are out.
It's that time again.
The annual honor is given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in themost extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out. This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONESTLY! Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY!!!
And the nominees were:
Semifinalist #1:
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2:
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3:
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'
Semifinalist #4:
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5:
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc...
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.
And Now, for the winner of this year's Darwin Award:
(As always, awarded posthumously): The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.
He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.
The driver, and soon-to-be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.
You just couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
PEOPLE LIKE THIS WALK AMONG US,
AND THEY ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE KIDS AND VOTE!!
;D ;D
Don't worry. I don't have any kids. :P
Guy goes into a bar asks for anything but a Miller Lite. He gets a Budweiser and drinks it.
Guy asks for another beer...anything but Miller Lite...the bartender serves him another Bud and asks him, "hey whats wrong with Miller Lite?"
Guy says "last night I drank 20 Miller Lites and went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says.."of course..anyone who drinks 20 beers would blow chunks."
The guy says, "yeah, but Chunks is my dog..."
;D ;D
20 Miller lights would make me............pee a lot.
Not much else, really ;D
Here's another one (thanks Deuem)
(http://www.thelivingmoon.com/inventors_group/images/ODD/Man-Women.jpg)
;D
to go with the one above
(http://i35.servimg.com/u/f35/13/55/53/83/cid_4_10.jpg)
...........................................................
and for you tech guys
(http://i35.servimg.com/u/f35/13/55/53/83/cid_1310.jpg)
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM...AND HOW HE DID IT
Personally, I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
;D ;D
I just sent that off to a few peeps, i got this one yesterday...
QuoteIt was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..........
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.....were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away?.'
'We can't drive.'
''Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed........so we're just waiting.'
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
As he reaches for his wallet, the barman smiles and says:
"For you sir, there is no charge."
or..
The bar man serves him a drink.
A tachyon walks into a bar..
FB.
If you''ve ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...
(https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f114936%5fAIb1i2IAAA%2fWUpppbAAAAL7bGsg&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail)
A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a nude woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"
[/t] |
The mother-in-law stopped by her daughter's house after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What Happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What Happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife, your daughter, telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There's something very odd about that. She would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out what happened."
A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation....she didn't get your Email."
LOL Deuem, somehow i missed that one! ;D
Here is a good example of why men should not write advice columns, read on;
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(http://www.thelivingmoon.com/inventors_group/images/ODD/fun/col1.bmp)
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(http://www.thelivingmoon.com/inventors_group/images/ODD/fun/col2.bmp)
:D